Admiration: The Deep and Practiced Courtesy of Appreciating from a Distance - Distance (Part III)
The Addicted Lover
For the man possessed by the Addict, there are no boundaries.
In their seminal book King Warrior Magician Lover, Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette write of the dangers involved in the shadow side of the Lover,
"The man under the influence of the lover wants to touch and be touched. He wants to touch everything physically and emotionally, and he wants to be touched by everything. He recognizes no boundaries. He want to live out the connectedness he feels with the world inside, in the context of his powerful feelings, and outside, in the context of his relationships with other people. The man under the influence of the Lover does not want to stop at socially created boundaries. He stands against the artificiality of such things. His life is often unconventional and "messy" - the artist's studio the creative scholar's study, the "go for it" boss' desk. Consequently, because he is opposed to "law", this this broad sense, we see enacted in his life of confrontation with the conventional the old tension between sensuality and morality, between love and duty, between, as Joseph Campbell poetically describes it, "amor and Roma" - "amor" standing for passionate experience and "Roma" standing for duty and responsibility to law and order... Artists lives are typically, perhaps stereotypically, stormy, messy and labyrinthine - full of ups and downs, failed marriages, and often substance abuse... [The addicted lover] is possessed by the very energy that could be a source of life and well-being for him if accessed appropriately... The most forceful and urgent question a man identified with the Addicted Lover asks is: "Why should I put any limits on my sensual and sexual experience of this vast world, a world that holds unending pleasures for me?"... How does the Addict possess a man? The primary and most disturbing characteristic of the Shadow Lover as Addict is his lostness which shows up in a number of ways... He has an insatiable hunger to experience some vague something that is just over the next hill. He is compelled to extend the frontiers not of knowledge (for that would be liberating for him) but of his sensuality, no matter what the cost to the mortal man who badly needs, as all mortal men do, merely human happiness... Here's where we see the Don Juan syndrome... the man moving from one woman to another, compulsively searching for he knows now what, is a man whose inner structures have not yet solidified. Because he himself is fragmented within, and not entered, he is pushed and pulled around by the illusory wholeness he thinks is out there in the world of feminine forms and sensual experiences... What the Addict is seeking (though he doesn't know it) is the ultimate and continuous 'orgasm,' the ultimate and continuous 'high'... This is why he goes from one woman to another, Each time him woman confronts him with her mortality, her finitude, her weakness and limitation, hence shattering his dream of this time finding the orgasm without end - in other words, when the excitement of the illusion of perfect union with her (with the world, with God) becomes tarnished - he saddles his horse and rides out looking for renewal of his ecstasy. He needs his 'fix' of masculine joy. He really does. He just doesn't know where to look for it. He ends by looking for his 'spirituality' in a line of cocaine... Psychologists talking about the problems that stem from a man's possession by the Addict as 'boundary issues.' For the man possessed by the Addict, there are no boundaries. As we've said, the Lover does not want to be limited. And, when we are possessed by him, we cannot stand to be limited... But boundaries constructed with heroic effort are what a man possessed by the Addict needs most. He doesn't need more oneness with all things. He's already got too much of that. What he needs is distance and detachment... The man under the power of the Addict is still within the Mother, and he's struggling to get out. [He] must learn about the usefulness of boundaries the hard way. He must learn that his lack of masculine structure, his lack of discipline, his resulting affairs, and his authority problems will inevitably get him into trouble. He will be fired from his jobs, and his wife, who loves him dearly, will eventually leave him... The Love without boundaries, in his chaos of feeling and sensuality, needs the King to define limits for him, to give him structure, to order his chaos so that it can be channeled creatively. Without limits, the Lover energy turns negative and destructive."
Without limits, the Lover energy turns negative and destructive
Breathing It In:
David Deida, in speaking about men and their reaction to beautiful women specifically (and the feminine of the world generally) says to admire that beauty, to breathe the beauty in and let it move you, but not to claim it as your own of just for you. In so doing we learn to be touched by the beauty of the world and cultivate a relationship to mystery. In thinking we can (or must) have that which we admire, we kill it.
Admiration is not the same as ‘getting’. It could be that this feeling of awe and wonder is meant to inspire a desire to feed not a desire to devour, a desire to protect not to plunder. Perhaps the feeling of delight inspired in us by this world and all those in it is the Universe’s way of calling us out of the smallness of our individual life and into duty and service of the larger story of life.
Admiration is not consuming.
Admiration is not imposing or intruding.
Admiration makes no demands of the one you admire but it makes plenty of you, namely that you ask yourself, "what would serve this one?" rather than "how can I get what I want?" at the time you least want to ask that.
Admiration is willing to make the hard distinction between 'but they were open to it' and the often more honest realization that 'they were vulnerable to it.'
Admiration asks that you see easy openings and to not take them if it would mean taking advantage of a situation in which the one you admire is more prone to doing something they might later regret or that might cause them harm.
Admiration is not closing the gap between yourself and that which you want.
Admiration is willing to extend deep hospitality and consideration to all of the reasons there might be not to do something with the one you admire. It doesn't banish those reasons.
Admiration doesn't mean you don't express your interest in another person, but it's not that. It doesn't mean you don't ask people out to dinner or express attraction. It's the foundation upon which anything we might express has a chance to truly serve and not just be some new version of taking.
Admiration is okay with 'no'.
Admiration is not even expressing with words. One can admire someone and never tell them. But one can express words of appreciation to another without admiration even being nearby.
Admiration seems to be some other thing.
Admiration seems to want to locate us. It pulls us aside and tells us, "So... There will come a time in your life when you are struck by something. It will hit your heart hard with longing. You're going to want it more than anything. It will fill you with wonder and delight. Laughter may escape your lips. Every muscle is your body will want to run towards it and grab it and never let it go. But, when that moment comes, you must not do this. The other may feel the same and want to consume you too. Your job in this moment, if no one else will do it for you as they should, is to become the guardian of the distance between you, to hold the boundaries where they need to be for the well being of yourself, themselves and the rest of life. If you don't, if you allow your deep hunger for this kind of beauty to lead you, your manner of approach may damage or destroy that which you wanted. You won't intend for it to be so but it will be so nonetheless. Let yourself be moved by the care for what has so moved you and the care of what sustains it, including the marked out boundaries around it."
Admiration seems to encourage us to go for less not more. Admiration is the antidote to our starvation. Admiration is a practice of conscious restraint when we least want to. Admiration is work and work is that thing you least want to do. Admiration is the capacity to see the boundary lines that exist around others to be watchful of the markers and to not attempt to proceed any faster (in the face of a culture that is telling you that there are no consequences for doing so). Admiration is to see the boundary markers around others that they might not even see themselves, blinded as they are by their own hunger, woundedness and need and, even when they say 'yes', to not cross them because you know it wouldn't be good for them. Admiration would say, "I know you want me to spend the night with you but it's not good for you. You're more vulnerable than you know. I won't take advantage of that."
Being awestruck happens to you. We are on the receiving end of these moments of genuine wonder. It’s no big accomplishment. Paring it with the needed consideration and etiquette is.
When you see a celebrity eating at a restaurant, admiration might mean not approaching them but letting them enjoy their meal.
When you hear of a chance to go and do ayahuasca, you might first consider the the the vines needed for it are now in short supply because white people want it. As Stephen Jenkinson put it, “Maybe have your wake up experience be your refraining from it. The redemptive response is, “I won’t.” Stay home. Work locally. Have that be your transformation.”
And so admiration, properly understood, isn’t a feeling. It’s something you do. It’s a verb. It’s not an interior experience free of consequence, it’s how we proceed knowing how deeply consequential we are.
Admiration is a two winged bird. One wing is our capacity to recognize and admire beauty in the world, to be struck with wonder and awe. It is not inevitable that, in the face of wondrous things, we will feel wonder. The other wing is our capacity for restraint in grasping growing into our capacity to protect and, eventually, to feed and nurture the space between ourselves and that by which we are so struck. Admiration, this learned ability to behold the beauty of this world, is our end of the bargain. It is as central to our humanity as anything.
We know that admiration has left when that sense of awe and wonder in another is gone. It can be banished by objectifying another and turning them into a ‘thing’ from which we can extract what we want. It can also be banished by familiarity and the feeling that, “I already know who you are.” and ceasing to get to know the other person afresh each day.
And then there's something Old English word scua ("shade, shadow.") that is telling. Mirrors are not just made of glass but also darkness. A black background. Not just water but darkness below it to allow up to see ourselves or others in it. And so, perhaps this is a reminder that to truly see someone requires a deep familiarity with our own darkness, the darkness in them and in the world. Without this, we fall in love with someone's bright spark of light and miss the rest of them.
And perhaps this is connected to the swamp. If you lived in an area with swamps, there would be a sense of boundary, marked off physically or in stories to let you know to be careful and think twice about proceeding into that area.
And so, perhaps, the combination of ad+mire reminds us that the meeting of people together is always going to be swampy and full of danger. People are lost forever in them. They are full of beauty and wonder but also full of danger. And so our admiration of another puts us at the swamp where we need to proceed with great care. When we are struck with awe and wonder at another person that feeling tells us where we are - close to the mire or moving in its direction and that the danger or consequences of our manner of approach might not only accrue to us.