A thought for what it's worth.
We might imagine there are different approaches needed in different times and I know that tone policing is a brutal thing to be on the receiving end of - you're in pain and you're needing to be heard and others are telling you that you're not expressing it 'right'.
Of course, public shaming and being called out can be brutal to be on the receiving end of us well. But, there needs to be an acknowledgment that, sometimes 'calling people in' has been tried and failed. People have pulled the person aside and had one on one conversations and yet the behaviour and real harm resulting from it persists.
At the heart of so much of this is the question: are we seeking to punish and destroy the offending party or are we seeking to restore wholeness in the community and redeem the one who caused the harm. We can't do both.
No matter how satisfying it can be to destroy someone who's caused harm, it is questionable if it actually makes the community safer or just pushes what drove those harmful behaviours deeper into the collective shadows of our communities where they will lie in waiting for the next vulnerable moment.
But the distinction I want to lift up is this: both calling out and calling in both seem to reduce the issue to the behaviour of one person. They locate the transgression there. They both seem to say, "Aha! This person did that thing and so if we can just change their behaviour or eliminate that person then everything will be fine."
But, of course, that's not true.
What has the potential to be misses are the deeper, cultural patterns than have led to this moment and that will lead to this moment again. Punishment and excision do nothing to remedy this but, worse, do nothing much to recognize or learn it.
All that's learned is that people are either good or bad and that, if they're bad they need to be eliminated.
Another option, and it doesn't negate the other two, is that of lifting up. Lifting up means that we are lifting up what happened for all to see so that it doesn't get swept under the rug (which happens all too often). We are lifting it up to be seen - not to judge or condemn but to learn. "Something happened and I want to lift it up as a moment worth learning from."
Lifting an issue up doesn't negate the particulars but seeks to ensure that the conversation doesn't get lost in them and seeks to connect what happened to larger issues.
Lifting up asks the question, "How did this happen?" or, even more deeply, "What has befallen our community that this has appeared amongst us now?"
Many indigenous cultures have an understanding of healing that would say, "The whole community has cancer and it has become visible to us through this one person."
So, when something appears in our community that causes genuine trouble and pain, it can be worth wondering, "From whence did this come? What are the parents of this one? What is missing from the community that this has appeared? What must we recreate or build anew to ensure if doesn't come again?"
And, of course, the answers to those questions are immense and will take many generations of us to grapple with.
And, of course, this all happens in the midst of our busy lives.
But, if we don't start getting honest with ourselves about the depth of this issues and we put the entire weight on generations of trauma and loss on the shoulders of the person who has done the harm, I think something important is missed - not just the redemption for that person (which, sadly, may not always be possible) but the redemption of our communities as well.
So, whether we decide to call out or call in, may we all continue to keep lifting up what's going on before it slips from view. And let's lift it up when it's small. Let's not only lift up rape and sexual assault, let's lift up, "He looked at me in a way that had me feel uncomfortable." Let's not just lift up theft of important things but, "You're consistently 15 minutes late and you're stealing my time."
When we don't speak to and about what has happened that's triggered pain, we let down the ones hurt but also we let down the ones doing the hurting.
Let's raise our standards of what we expect from each other.
Let's keep lifting things up when they're off.
Let's ensure that it's seen so it can be learned from so that we not only call each other but so that we call in a better tomorrow.
Thanks for your wonderful work on community building, Tad,
Read this essay with interest - I've met Loan Tran who initiated the use of the term Calling In as opposed to Calling Out, they work with Loretta Ross on providing online training on how best and why, to do one of these in problem situations?
I think the process of deciding to call someone out, or in, is centered on the importance of community, on acting for social justice, on discussing the harmful culture being expressed by a person, - with the intention of community learning and change, not to demonise the person? Rather to help them see possibly subconscious privilege - which they won't be able to see without mirroring?
Calling In or Out is social justice work, based on the need for our global community to root out systemic oppression which causes harm to many, through the actions of those who unconsciously enact it.
What I hear in your writing is a suggestion that directly addressing unconscious (or sometimes, sadly, conscious) enacting of privilege and oppressive behaviour, in a community member, is NOT helpful but I think it is always helpful to act, for those who are oppressed or hurt, although maybe uncomfortable for the person who is called In or called Out.
I am not sure that your essay really addresses this, in suggesting that we "lift up" something in the community rather than addressing harmful behaviour ?
Calling In/Calling Out is about unpacking/decolonising systemic oppression, so I just wanted to check that you're aware of the origins and real community centred basis, of the work.
https://lorettajross.com/online-courses
Tad, are there any books you could recommend on understanding the energetics, dynamics, functioning and mechanics of the role of community... Its something I'm interested in learning more about... what worked, works, needs to work, for community to exist in a wholesome way... something that perhaps looks at natural influences in a modern way??