Responsibility tends to get treated as a fact. You either are or you aren't.
But what if we looked at it differently? What if we looked at it as the ability to respond?
If we look at it this way, then we begin to notice that certain orientations to the struggles we have in life make us more able to respond and certain orientations do not.
Perhaps it's that we tend to confuse responsibility with 'fault'.
I know some people who walk around thinking everything is their fault; that they created all of the troubles in their lives.
I know others who walk around convinced that nothing is their fault.
And it's easy to ennoble the former posture and condemn the latter but I can tell you this: sometimes victimhood is a sweet and needed medicine. Sometimes people need to see that their problems were not created by them but by larger forces of history and institutions. This can be a soothing thing to know, "It's not your fault." Sometimes when you are trapped in the same of feeling like you failed others, it can be a balm to realize all of the ways that you were failed leading up to that moment.
Knowing this can actually make you more able to respond to the world. It can help you feel less crazy.
And there are times when feeling like a victim of these forces can utterly collapse you and make you unable to deal with life. In those cases, it can be a needed medicine to ask someone, "Imagine if you have created all of this. Imagine you'd created everything in your life. If that was true, how might you have done it?"
I've seen people sit up, spines straighten and watched them see things they'd not been able to see before about their own patterns and, in seeing them, be much more able to respond to the events of their lives. Sometimes the heroic impulse is immensely empowering.
And so, what if we stopped pretending that we knew how the universe worked? What if we stopped pretending we knew whether this world was governed by fate or free will? What if we stopped imagining that we knew where our thoughts came from? What if we stopped imagining that we were one hundred percent hip to how the universe worked? Who amongst us knows why the winds blow, where life comes from, how it all began or where it's going?
What if we stopped relating to responsibility as a fact, and, instead, as a medicine?
What if we started relating to responsibility as one of the deepest and most precious mysteries of life ever entrusted to us?
When we are sitting with someone, instead of trying to convince them of the facts of responsibility, perhaps our eyes might be better trained on what it is that might foster their resiliency and capacity to respond to what life is showing them. What might be tonic to one could be toxic to another.
And, of course, this is almost impossible for us to see in our own lives. We often need it to be pointed out to us by others. We're too locked into our current, dogmatic monotheism of, "It's all my fault!" or "It's all their fault."
I have no doubt that this is one of the functions of elderhood, to carefully deal in this medicine of responsibility to keep your people healthy - to know how much of each and which dose and when.
Yes, totally. For those who's programming is self-blame (they usually have a massive hulk of an inner critic) it's important to give them the support and space to own what happened TO them. To fully name it and take it in. It provides shame-striping and gives permission to let go of minimizing the painful experiences so they can feel the impact of what happened instead of avoiding it somehow. It helps them to hear that they've needed to not feel it because they didn't have the support to do so. It's not wrong to minimize or avoid, it's a protective strategy. They need to feel safe enough to feel. And it's important to sense into where someone is developmentally - that guides how and when responsibility is offered. Timing with leaning into responsibility is essential - like building muscle strength after an injury. Too much too fast will overwhelm the tissue, compromise trust and then there's a set back.
I don't call it allowing space for the victim, however, mostly because for me there's a real disempowering energy in the victim. That's my sense about it, anyway - could be semantics or my bias. I want people to take in that there's strength, there's power in owning what happened to us. Naming without shaming or blaming. Rather than victim, I see it more like, this is what's in alignment with Who I am. It's my Knowing, my recognizing my truth, allowing emotions to sequence through the body as needed (that in itself is a real victory for most!) and then listen to the message - pivot towards selfcare, kindness, fierce, flexible boundaries and support for whatever's next.
Yes. Thankyou