In the new age, alternative scenes, there tends to be a framing of shame as the villain to be banished but few ever consider that shame might be the victim of something so much bigger.
What if shame isn't in our way to being more whole and beautiful human beings? What if, approached well and beautifully, shame is the way?
What if shame is that old soldier, returned from too many wars, shattered and broken, sitting with us now, late at night by a fire under the fully belly of the night surrounded all those who never wanted to see him leave to war so many years ago. And there are the young there who never knew the times he was born into or the pressures he faced, who never knew the man he was before and they want to spit on him and curse his name. His grandchildren want to disown him and his own children aren't sure how they feel.
He is there, still in that uniform he hates but can't take off. His words, if they could be coaxed out, costly as they are for that old man to spill, might convince us to never go to war in that way again.
We might look at him and understand that the cost was too high in what it took from him, what it took from us and what he took from so many. Feed him the best of your food. Give him that seat by the fire. Lend him your ear and be faithful to what he tells you and what he can't bring himself to tell you.
Be faithful to what war does to people.
Remember, as costly as it might be for you to remember, what he was before he marched off, so full of purpose, so long ago. Don't go to war with that old soldier and bring the war you say you hate so much to this circle, by this fire tonight.
But, if you do, perhaps there will be another fire tomorrow, and you will be that old one, looking out at those faces - some of whom love you, some of whom hate you and many of whom aren't sure.
If you find yourself there, see if you can bear to share some of your words, from the front lines of how it was for you then and how it is for you to be sitting here now with us.
Convince us if you're able.
I wonder whether you've come across the practice of Inner Relationship Focusing, Tad? Your post really makes me think of that amazing practice of welcoming all parts of us into Big, Compassionate Presence. I often visualise this as welcoming disowned, exiled parts to a circle around a fire, listening to them in turn, deeply, to find out their story, what they might have to say, what things are like from their points of view. It's the most healing practice I've ever come across, and the image of the old soldier made me think of it. Beautiful.
Hearing "no one ever stops to think" makes me want to invite you to look into Internal Family Systems work. I do think that there are a few pioneers of trauma healing and wellness who are seeing things the way you are framing them here. Richard Schwartz's "No Bad Parts" is one such work (the book that describes his work in developing IFS, which he acknowledges is just a modern therapeutic framing of concepts and ways of seeing ourselves that have roots in many other cultures).